It has been such a long time! I haven’t been on my blog since August of 2011, it was a little bit painful to look at when i stopped dancing. I was very interested in pursuing dance out here as a hobby but the companies in the city seemed too foreboding for me so i chickened out and didn’t dance.
I got a job, and some of it included lifting things, as any retail position would, but i was feeling like a different person and i was in constant pain. Everything was cracking and getting twisted and just completely messed up.
I went home and got some blood taken, and the doctor came back with the results, which were Rheumatoid Arthritis. I turned 21 in January. Obviously it’s a bit devastating, as it means my joints are just going to continue to go downhill without aggressive treatment.
So, i’ve stopped dancing completely, and probably forever. It makes me very sad. I still love ballet and watch as many performances as i can and buy dvds and listen to music and blah blah blah, but I’ll now be limited to activities deemed “non strenuous” on my joints — yoga, walking, stretching. Ugh.
Anyway, that’s why i haven’t updated in a bit. I’m not sure if i’ll continue to blog or post pictures here anymore, at least not for a long while, because i’m still pretty upset. So apologies for my lack of posts, or delayed responses, etc.
If anyone has advice or has had similar experience, please feel free to submit. I still get tumblr emails and will check the blog somewhat regularly.
Stay beautiful all of you, you’re all amazing dancers and can accomplish all of your dreams. You have filled my life with such joy!!
I can’t look in the mirror. Honestly. I am seventeen and I have been dancing for three years. I recently graduated to pointe in November 2010 and I still cannot look at myself properly in the mirror. I can barely turn. It’s my greatest worry and I need help getting over it. Partially its because I still doubt myself as a dancer because I don’t ‘look’ like one. Also, I always fear that when I look into the mirror I’ll realize how ‘bad’ I may be.
Help. I may not be on the road to NYCB or Bolshoi but I do intend to dance and incorporate the art for the rest of my life.
I worry about looking in the mirror too. I don’t look like a dancer AT ALL. But i think you’ll be surprised when you look in the mirror because sure at first you might not like 99% of what you see, but the other 1% of the time you’ll look and be like “wow…that was beautiful. i can’t believe i did that!” and then you’ll mimick that next time, and then incorporate that into other parts of your dancing, and then you’ll like 2% of what you see, and then 3, 4, 5, 6 percent…and up until you’re comfortable critiquing yourself. It might never be perfect or easy, but you’ll be more confident just by seeing that sometimes you dance in a way that you like.
The best thing I’ve heard is something music teacher of mine said to me: “As we become more experienced and learn more about our art, we become less secure with ourselves and what we are doing. Our confidence in our abilities is supposed to go up as we learn, but most of the time it goes down because now that we know what to do to improve, we’re afraid we aren’t doing it right. Which just makes us worse. You have to trust yourself.” -Hakan Rosengren.
Try to trust yourself. Don’t worry about being the best in the class or looking ugly. Just put your whole heart into what you’re doing and let it feel natural, because even if you’re doing it wrong as long as you look natural or like you know what you’re doing nobody will criticize you. They might say “try doing this instead” but they won’t say, NO, that looked awful. Because loving dance always looks beautiful, and it always translates in motion.
I know you’re a great dancer. Work to better yourself without having expectations of yourself. And check back in.
Does anyone else have words of wisdom for this beautiful ballerina!?